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Stay happy

October 1, 2018
 - Tim Hardman

Last week marked 12 months since I was involved in a life-changing accident. The arduous, road to recovery has seen the reawakening of my love for writing (if somewhat limited to two-fingered typing). As we heal, the mind sometimes races ahead of our abilities, and I have been wondering if its yet fitting to ponder on some of the key learnings I could share about my journey. Did I learn anything of value beyond man meets car equals mincemeat?

The accident was only the latest of several interesting vicissitudes I have experienced in recent years, including bleeding to death in 2013 and the motorcycle accident above in 2016 each represented their own opportunities for personal growth. Each has offered me reasons to explore ways to come to terms with the life’s little challenges (and the threats ‘to’ life). Here are 10 things you may find helpful when faced with your own hardships.

  1. Find joy: I know, there will always be that person who will (annoyingly) tell you that it is important to remain optimistic. Their logic is that by adopting a positive mental attitude we will find happiness. But if you are, by nature, a realistic optimist (my wife says pessimist and cynic) it can be difficult to simply ‘flip’ to a new mind-set just to satisfy those around you. I simply suggest you look for the little pleasures in life that give you joy. I found joy in cold custard – though it can be difficult to suck through a straw.
  2. Let go: It can be incredibly depressing obsessing over things you cannot control. This doesn’t mean you should not set yourself stretch targets, disengage from your recovery plan or reduce your efforts to achieve your life goals. Put simply, you just have to stop fretting over them. With the help of others I learned to disengage from things that are unsolvable and turn my attention to problems that I believe I can solve. You can find great relief in adopting a Bushido-like philosophy and live in the moment – let the future look after itself.
  3. Admire others: Self-doubt is crippling. Seek assurance in the many heroic examples of people achieving more than we might imagine in worse situations than our own. Find your own inspiration in their victories. Wherever possible, allow others to mentor you and/or serve as role models. In handling our own challenges with stoicism and humour we become role models for others.
  4. Keep learning: We can learn from Steve Hawking that however extreme our incapacities, the world (in the case of Professor Hawking substitute for ‘the universe’) is a wonderful place – there is always more ‘stuff’ to learn, more to understand. In learning we grow, which in itself is delivers a positive mental standing. Learning opens the mind, keeps us sharp and empowers us. It introduces new ways to grasp the human condition and understand ourselves.
  5. Be flexible: Everybody struggles. Whatever challenge you face today make an effort to understand that those around you are facing their own fears, fighting their own battles. Try to be sympathetic, they need help too. Their challenge may be a husband in the emergency room. Sometimes, the best choice is to go with the flow so that someone else can move on. Your time will come.
  6. Be kind: Did I mention that everybody has struggles? Even multimillionaires are faced with impossible challenges – like which colour helicopter they should take to get to the beach. Whatever challenge you are facing, make an effort to understand that those around you are engrossed with their own seemingly intransient problems. Try to be sympathetic. Their challenge may be a husband in the emergency room (again).
  7. Do what you do: You may not realise it, but most of us have purpose. Just think how you introduce yourself – “Hi, I’m a writer”… steelworker, doctor, mechanic…, Whatever role we gravitate to in society, it is often because we have some inherent talent that makes us good at what we do (or have an overwhelming desire to that job one day). Re-engage with your purpose, get in touch with your ikigai. Wherever possible, continue to resist idea that circumstance is going to stop you. YouTube is full of examples of where people have overcome physical, mental and societal challenges.
  8. Be generous: Selflessness comes with so many rewards. A host of medical research papers (and a number of ancient philosophies) have highlighted how generosity is good for the soul – science has even described the relevant chemical pathways that reward us [1]. You don’t need to give away all your worldly possessions to reap the rewards. You can just as easily be generous with your time, your know-how or your support. Help others to help yourself. Generosity generates a surge of oxytocin, serotonin and dopamine, all of which create good feelings, not unlike those you experience during sex.
  9. Engage with others: “No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main…” (from John Donne’s Meditation XVII, 1624). This is just as true today as it was 400 years ago. Never forget that we are by our very nature social animals. Trauma often serves to isolate us, impacting on our psychological well-being – we all intimately understand the intended penal cruelty of solitary confinement. Science shows that isolation results in worsening health and shorter lives [2]. Seek out contact. There are plenty of people out there eager for your company or in need of your help.
  10. Forgive: Accidents happen – I am reminded of the scene from the movie “Forrest Gump” where he say: “It happens”. I am sure you know what I am referring to. Obsessing on the cause of your misfortune or looking for blame only leads to unhappiness and dissatisfaction. As I lay in the road following my accident, drowning on my own blood with major skull fractures, all I remember hearing was the driver involved building his case with witnesses. I pity the poor man, I know that if that were me I would struggle with my having given into the fear of being blamed.

In the end, we are susceptible to the debilitating fears that have the potential to hold back recovery that can follow traumatic life episodes. From my own experience, I would say that focusing on these key behaviours will, build positive mental health and serve you well in the face of misfortune. I hope they might also help you maintain your sense of humour and it will help you deal with life’s little disappointments (or at least help you see them as no more than that). I appreciate that this is hard to accept when you are facing physical challenges, but science tells us that a positive mental attitude facilitates healing [3]. Trauma (in whatever form) can bring out your best, the potential is there to emerge from trauma with a newfound love for life, your life. Be gentle with yourself and let it happen. Remember to give yourself room to recuperate while preparing your body with regular exercise and healthy food and your mind with plenty of sleep.

Start today… “never send to know for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.”

References

  1. Park, S., Kahnt, T., Dogan, A. et al. A neural link between generosity and happiness. Nat Commun 8, 15964 (2017). 
  2. Haney C. The Psychological Effects of Solitary Confinement: A Systematic Critique Crime and Justice 2018: 47(1):000-000.
  3. Látos M, et al. Positive Psychology Intervention to Improve Recovery after Renal Transplantation: A Randomized Controlled Trial. J Contemp Psychother 52, 35–44 (2022). 

About the author

Tim Hardman
Managing Director
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Dr Tim Hardman is Managing Director of Niche Science & Technology Ltd., a bespoke services CRO based in the UK. He also serves as Managing Director at Thromboserin Ltd., an early-stage biotechnology company. Dr Hardman is a keen scientist and an occasional commentator on all aspects of medicine, business and the process of drug development.

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